Rodeo Drive Rap-Off

1. GWYNETH PALTROW vs. JENNIFER LOPEZ

Paltrow faces Lopez:

J.Lo, hey ho / How much do you weigh, yo?
Your butt’s the ONLY thing you got that’s bigger than my payroll
I rule here in Cali / Specifically the Valley
And yeah, I got an Oscar just like Halle
So don’t you dare give an interview and step to me
’Cause I’m the MC more talented than Ripley
Believe it or not / Ben STILL thinks
I’m hot
He covers it up like that toupee he’s got
Get off his jock and go back to Puff
Your movies are fluff / Or they’re bombs, like Enough
From boyfriends to scripts, you pick up what I pass
Too bad there’s no Academy Award for your ass. PEACE.
[Paltrow tries to storm off stage dramatically but stumbles a bit from hunger pangs.]

Lopez’s response:
Gwynny-Gwynny, bony and skinny
Tell me, are you jealous ’cause this Jenny stole your Benny?
Zero—that’s your IQ AND your dress size
I’m a Fly Girl and you’re attractin’ flies
With movies like Possession stinkin’ up the room
I couldn’t hide the stench with my Glow perfume
And don’t be playa-hatin’ ’cause you got no back
Your tacky-ass outfits look as wack as Jack Black
Yeah, Shallow Hal—you thought that was FUNNY?
Chica, your British accent is as fake as the Easter Bunny
Twiggy just got dissed by Selena
Now bulk up eatin’ crow at my restaurant in Pasadena. ON THE SIX-PICTURE DEAL, YO!
[Lopez slams the mike down and gives Paltrow the finger—the one with Ben’s ring on it.]

HARRY POTTER vs. FRODO BAGGINS

Potter faces Baggins:

When I see a motherfuckin' hobbit, I rob it
And cut him where it counts, like my name's Lorena Bobbitt
I'm representin' Gryffindor and Hogwarts
With a magic middle finger for you Tolkien sorts
I apparate from Azkaban to Diagon Alley
And rock my pointy blue Crip hat when I'm chillin' in Cali
You hippie hobbits spend all your time in the woods
While I live in a cupboard in the motherfuckin' 'hood
Freaky foot-tall Frodo, short as Dorf on Golf
And I been hearin' rumors 'bout your homeboy Gandalf
My big Quidditch balls you couldn't even juggle
I'm magic on the mike and you're an MC Muggle. NIMBUS 2000, Y'ALL!
[Potter jumps into a flying Lexus and blasts off.]

Baggins's response:

Yo, you got some nerve to call yourself Harry
I been shavin' my feet since you was just a little dingleberry
Or Dumbledore-however it's pronounced
Step into the Shire, Copperfield / You get bounced
Wannabe Siegfried and Roy / With your vibrating broom toy
And don't think I ain't noticed you ain't such a little boy
I hear your voice crackin' like a goober, G
'Cause all of your spells can't fight against puberty
Losin' your cuteness / Time will ravage your very soul, man
Just ask Fred Savage or Gary Coleman
Grow up, we'll pass the pipe and get you sorcerer-stoned
Till then, one ring to rule them all-and leave me alone, BEEYOTCH!
[Baggins places the Ring on his finger, twists it to disappear, doesn't disappear, looks uncomfortable for a few moments, and shuffles away.]

To see a rap-off between big-ego execs Harvey Weinstein and Scott Rudin, pick up the February 2003 issue of PREMIERE.